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| Director's Commentary: Throughout July, I was planning this mammoth post designed with multiple courses like a meal. For instance, one was called "Back on the Runway," where I was planning to talk about my total obsession with Project Runway -- especially Laura. Unfortunately, the longer I waited the more sections I needed, and the intended size was becoming unwieldy. And I never actually wrote a word. Well, OK -- maybe a little bit.
July 5th, 2006
Even the Godless Celebrate the 4th
In case any of you were wondering how I spent my Independence Day, I sat on my couch sweating over a digest-sized book of Sudoku puzzles while my father snored in front of a BBC drama and the series finale of that wretched Pepper Dennis.
As a final thought, I just realized that on this day a year ago, I took a day off work, drove to the San Diego County Humane Society, adopted a sleek, black, talkative cat, and named him Frank. And I haven't managed to kill him yet, despite the fact that he destroyed my grandfather's leather jacket and has left my arms with so many scratches I'm sure my guests think I'm suicidal, a junkie, or both.
I should at least explain the snapshot . Frank has to be kept in my room at all times, as there are two cats in my house, and they very nearly kill each other if they ever come in contact. The trouble is, Frank knows how to open doors. What you see in this picture is the fourth (and final) attempt to conceal the door handle from him, as he managed to break through the last three. He knows it's under there, but the only way to get to it is through a small slit on the side. Frankly, I think it's pretty cool that he's intelligent enough to understand how to open doors, but it's annoying when you need him to stay put.
By the way, to the idiot from Ohio who accessed my site by searching Google for "Tell the IRS about someone's unreported tip income," get a fucking life. Seriously. Who the hell does that? Not only do servers in your state make $3/hr less than the already painfully small federal minimum wage, you proudly reside in the state responsible for cursing our once-great nation with yet another four years of Dear Leader's bumbling presence, so spare us your vigilante crap.
And you sure were determined, too. My blog doesn't show up until the fourth page of results! I'll bet you're one of those losers who tips $5 no matter what the bill is. | | |
| Director's Commentary: These two posts were written back-to-back on the same night, and although they were left incomplete, I recycled some of the material into my letter to President Bush and my responses to gabrielpeter. Who knows? Maybe some other random person from the Midwest will drop in as a result and blither their nickel's worth. I'll just have to wait and see.
Saturday, May 27th, 2006
On Being Pro-Choice
To not only lump all of American society into two groups, but declare one "pro-life" and not the other is incredibly sanctimonious. What thinking, feeling person isn't pro-life? I absolutely hate abortion, and because I hate it I know that making it illegal does nothing to stop it, as much as making marijuana illegal has done nothing to stop people from smoking it (not to mention harder drugs like heroin and cocaine).
Besides, the basic tenet of conservatism is limiting the power of government strictly to those outlined in the Constitution, is it not? If the quest for smaller government was truly the modus operandi of these people, why on earth is this legislation even being considered? Hell, I'm so liberal I fear I may collapse on myself, but frankly, smaller government is sounding pretty good right now! I'd love a government that respected the inherent rights of its people so much that it trusted its citizens to make their own choices regarding their bodies and whom they marry.
I make a distinction between conservatives and Republicans, since the former doesn't seem to exist anymore.
I think Republicans need to alter their symbol to a sheep -- or, better yet, a lemming. Blindly following their leaders into the depths, and equating any dissent toward our country or Dear Leader as, at best, unpatriotic. Don't they see that dissent toward our government is the most American thing you can do, the most fundamental American right? The ability to question our leaders. Don't they see that the president is not a monarch, but rather just one branch of three equal branches of our federal government? The President is not above the law, which has been soundly proven by the impeachment trials of Johnson and Clinton, and famously so in the Watergate scandal that imploded Nixon's presidency.
Creationism in our schools? Sure. Global warming and the link from tobacco to cancer? Junk science. Condoms in schools? Hell no. If we don't give them condoms, they'll have no choice but to wait until their married. Abstinence-only sex education? Sure! Just don't have sex, and you won't catch any STD's or risk pregnancy. Also, don't ever ride in cars or airplanes, and you'll never be injured or killed in a auto wreck or plane crash. National health care in Iraq? Sound plan of action. National health care at home? Socialism. Just like Social Security, and look at what a flop that turned out to be.
By the way, I would encourage anyone planning on singing the praises of privatization of Social Security to rethink such an action.
On Gay Marriage
All of this discussion about the breakdown of the institution of
marriage would be all well and good if I actually thought anyone using
those arguments actually cared about that. It's not about that, is it?
Bigotry by any other name smells as foul.
Let's outlaw divorce
while we're at it. Let's outlaw giving birth outside of marriage. Let's
rescind all benefits to single parents and provide benefits to married
couples who have more means to support themselves as well as a family.
Wouldn't a legion of men and women clamoring to marry the ones they
love be an affirmation to the
institution of marriage, and not a threat? Isn't this an indicator that
the strength of this union has not wilted over time, but yet remains as
strong and indelible as it ever was? Isn't Bush the least bit concerned
that alienating the homosexual population might not be the best thing
to do, as our friendly neighbor to the north is now a place where we
can marry?
What about people who only get married for
citizenship purposes? What about people who only get married to please
their parents? How far are we going to go with this one? | | |
| Last February I posted an entry entitled "Outtakes," which was a gag reel of entries I had saved but never finished. Now, nine months later, I've decided to do the same thing, as I've acquired another crop of inchoate posts. (Don't you love that word? It was in my GRE study materials. Very difficult to work into a sentence without sounding like a pretentious idiot.) However, this time not only are my unfinished entries much longer, at least two of them were recycled into my rebuttals when gabrielpeter decided to drop in, and of course during my showdown with the infamous (and now defunct) JohnMillionaire. Therefore, this week I will be posting them one or two at a time, copied verbatim without any changes since they were originally saved. It's Excoloradan Unplugged! No rewrites, no editing, and above all, no point! Go on -- you know you want to.
Director's Commentary: This was written in a burst of creativity in the middle of writing my long-winded responses to JohnMillionaire's posts. I intended to finish it, but never did. I think in the near future I just might rework this into a more cohesive entry, but at the moment not only would this impose on the very reason for including this as an outtake, I just can't seem to muster the same righteous outrage towards her anymore. But I'll sure try.
Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
I Hate You, Rachael Ray
I've been hooked on the Food Network for years, as much it can be
regarded as a culturally accepted form of pornography. I can't stand
Emeril, but I'll watch anything with Jamie Oliver, cause the lisp
combined with that accent is just too endearing. Another show I'm
absolutely addicted to is $40-a-Day, hosted by none other than Janeane
Garofalo's retarded midget cousin, Rachael Ray.
Wanna know how she keeps it under $40 a day? She can't tip for shit. She
even had the nerve to look into the camera and announce
sanctimoniously, "I got a $1.50 discount, but I'm still going to tip
off the original amount." Wow, bitch. Seeing as how you tip by
multiplying the tax by 1.5 (watch the show -- this is exactly what she
does), that means you'll be leaving a whole extra shiny nickel? Shove
it up your ass, Ray. It's not just a tipping thing, though.
1.) She insists on telling everyone what
she's doing and where she's going. You may think this is just for the
camera, but you know she does this anyway. Word of advice: don't
bother. No one cares. If I saw her coming my way with her damn camera
crew I'd flee screaming from the building.
2.) Waiting on single
diners is already kind of annoying, as they tend to be a little
pickier, not to mention the fact that they're taking up an entire table
that could be sat with up to four people, creating a bigger check, and
thus a bigger tip. But if you see Rachael coming, you know she's gonna
order a goddamn water with fucking lemon and the cheapest thing on the
menu, then flash her scariest smile and tell you all the shit she's
gonna do later, and everything she just finished doing. We're like
hookers, darling. The amount that we care about the shit you talk about
is directly proportionate to the size of the tip we think you're going
to leave us. And unfortunately for you, not only is there a legion of
servers across the nation who've been burned by you, you've recorded it
for posterity and broadcast it right into our homes.
3.) By the way, slut, the minimum industry
standard is 15%, which amounts to roughly twice the tax. You know, I
once waited on other D-list basic cable celebrities when I lived in
Colorado -- Hildi and Edward from Trading Spaces
-- and they left over 20%. Now you. Maybe if you'd stop ending every
show with getting tipsy at some local bar (and many times stiffing the
bartender), you'd have more money to tip in a realistic fashion.
Tipping is a very distinctive part of American culture. You don't want
to be perceived as un-American, do you?
4.) Turning up your nose
at sitting at the bar in favor of taking up a four-person table nearby
will guarantee that your server will hate you before he even approaches
your table. Sometimes you can just tell when people are going to only order water.
5.) I watched in horror as she waltzed into a fine dining restaurant in Aspen and ordered water.
This just isn't done. My ex-boyfriend Josh and I both ordered cokes at a similar
restaurant in Boulder and I was terribly embarrassed to be doing that. Order wine, Ray.
That's the unspoken requirement, and if you deviate from this you
immediately jump the shark and you can rest assured all the other
servers in the restaurant will hear about it, camera crew or not.
Seriously,
watch the show. It's actually quite funny to watch her bounce from
place to place and bug the shit out of everyone she meets. What makes
it work is the fact that she has no idea.
Frankly, I think she has an assistant eat her food for her, since
there's no way you can order the crap she orders and stay so little and
perky. By all accounts she should be travelling on a Rascal and having
the producers letterbox her show. God, I'd love to see outtakes from
that piece of crap.
My suggestion: since tips are
discretionary, don't count it into the $40. Otherwise, steer clear of
any place that would require a tip.
By the way, if you're just
out for drinks, $2 a drink is a good guideline to follow. The whole
percentage rule breaks down when your bill is less than $20 -- my
minimum tip is $5, which is why I don't eat in full service restaurants
unless I absolutely mean it.
By the way, identifying yourself as
a former server opens you up to the very harshest of criticisms. You
are making a career off of tipping 11.5% This will not stand, man.
That giggle! God! | | |
| I've put my strong face away for the night
in jars in my medicine cabinet.
he is dead, he is dead
is my mantra --
my lullaby.
lovebearsallbearsallbearsallbearsall
(and it did. IT DID.)
there will always be laughter in my heart
for the sake of those very words.
...gallows humor, he said...
I hope
for your sakes
you know
what
(no record, no record)
you've
(lean into the mic, darling)
gotten
yourselves
(no man is strong enough to bear the weight of two)
into.
as for me
I'm allowing myself the private pleasure of admitting
that the cancer has not yet relaxed his grip.
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